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Typically, when shoppers, readers and listeners share tales with me, there’s a component of emphasising that they’re okay with one thing. ‘I’m okay with [their partner] being buddies with [person who’s bothering them].’; ‘I don’t thoughts that he has feminine buddies.’; ‘I don’t thoughts that they [want to do the thing].’
Once we’re okay with one thing, we don’t should preserve reassuring ourselves and others that we’re; we simply are. The issue is, we frequently assume it’s ‘dangerous’ to not be okay about one thing. There’s the concern of trying ‘jealous’, ‘possessive’, ‘loopy’, ‘too delicate’, ‘controlling’, and the like. As a substitute, we wish to give the impression of cool, calm and assured whereas anxiousness gnaws away at us. We’re the Cool Lady or Good Man. Typically, we’re so busy attempting to be seen as a superb one thing (e.g. Good Associate/Good friend/Worker/Youngster), we silence the very actual considerations beneath our protestations of okayness whereas pretending to be one thing we’re not. None of this malarkey is nice for our emotional, psychological, bodily or non secular wellbeing, by no means thoughts {our relationships}.
Right here’s what I say once I hear “I’m okay with” statements in these contexts: “No, you’re not. And that’s okay.” And, invariably, the reality tumbles out.
If you happen to’ve advised your self that you just’re okay with one thing that’s really inflicting an excessive amount of anxiousness, it’s time to be sincere with your self. Typically, you’re technically okay with the factor you mentioned you’re okay about however you’re not okay with different features of the state of affairs.
As an illustration, let’s say you declare you’re okay along with your accomplice being buddies with someone, however, behind the scenes, you’ve misplaced confidence in your relationship and really feel more and more anxious.
What’s it in regards to the state of affairs you’re not okay with? Be particular.
It may be that you just’re not okay along with your accomplice being shady and misleading in regards to the friendship. Acknowledge examples of the place this has occurred. Aspect word: These deceptions aren’t occurring as a result of they’re, you realize, ‘attempting to guard you.’ Perhaps it’s that you just really feel gaslighted by what your accomplice attributes your considerations to. E.g. “You’re being too delicate”. It might fairly merely be that one thing about how they’re approaching this relationship or their good friend’s boundaries impacts your relationship. It may very well be that what you see them doing on this different relationship highlights one thing you’re not experiencing along with your accomplice.
Be sincere with your self in regards to the precise supply of your discomfort. The difficulty may be their boundaries with the friendship. Or it may be about unmet wants and lack of fulfilment or compatibility.
If you admit that, really, you’re not okay with the factor you’ve been attempting to rationalise, your true emotions floor. You might have a possibility to take higher care of your self and to additionally proactively handle the state of affairs.
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