“You don’t discover love, it finds you. It’s received somewhat bit to do with future, and what’s written within the stars,” stated famend philanthropist Ima Hogg. And whereas she wasn’t fully improper, on this period of infinite swiping on courting apps to seek out ‘the one’ amid a sea of choices, this quote could seem a bit outdated. We’re all attempting to ‘discover love’, aren’t we? Or the right associate, who will full us? In any case, love is a really magical feeling. Nonetheless, even with tons of instruments and choices to assist one discover love, a few of us, ‘perpetually single’ souls, usually ask ourselves, “Why can’t I discover love?”

On this article, we’ll delve deeper into the explanations behind this. We can even check out a number of suggestions that will help you discover love, with the assistance from relationship counselor Dhriti Bhavsar (M.Sc, Scientific Psychology), who makes a speciality of relationship, breakup, and LGBTQ counseling. So, should you’re usually telling your self, “I wish to really feel what love is” or are wanting ahead to getting right into a wholesome relationship or discovering love once more after a breakup, however don’t know the place to start, learn on…

Why Can’t I Discover Love? 15 Potential Causes

On this fast-paced courting world of discovering love by means of on-line matchmaking and courting apps and velocity courting preparations, falling in love has a brand new dimension. We don’t merely fall in love lately. We search for love and find yourself courting folks endlessly within the hope of discovering the right romantic companions. Discovering love is a activity and really a lot depending on digital algorithms lately. A lot so, {that a} Harvard Information Science Overview research actually explored how algorithms are matched on courting apps.

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However is all of it concerning the luck of ‘matching’ with a appropriate associate that defines ‘discovering love’? What about offline courting? Why can’t some folks strategy the folks they fancy? What hinders them from discovering love? Do you too belong to the ‘single perpetually’ group that’s usually discovered complaining, “I’m feeling like I’ll by no means discover love”? Let’s have a look at 15 doable causes that might clarify why you’re discovering it troublesome to fall in love:

1. Low shallowness

Typically, the primary hindrance to discovering love is that we are inclined to go for folks manner under our league. Dhriti says, “That is due to self-doubt, low self-worth, and poor self-confidence. So, mainly, it’s possible you’ll select to pursue people who find themselves under the bar merely since you assume anybody higher than that’s out of your league.” After which that backfires too as a result of these folks might keep away from getting right into a severe romantic relationship or long-term relationship with you, as a result of they might:

• Suspect you or your intentions
• Worry being ditched later within the relationship
• Be overwhelmed by you
• Really feel they will’t match as much as you or your requirements

2. Worry of rejection

In case you usually say to your self, “Why can’t I discover love?”, properly, keep in mind, at instances, the concern of rejection might cease you from placing your self on the market. However Dhriti says, “Love doesn’t discover you if you’re sitting at residence and watching Netflix. Love must know you’re obtainable!” So, it is advisable to be a assured individual, present that you just’re prepared for love, and cease fearing uncertainty.

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3. Unrealistic expectations

Dhriti believes, “Having an thought of what traits you need in a associate is nice, however love isn’t a to-do checklist of issues. Letting go of the notion of a ‘Mr./Ms. Proper’ is necessary, and so is sustaining lifelike expectations. In any other case, you’ll find yourself in search of ‘the one’ your complete life.” It’s fairly doable that the love of your life is buried someplace beneath a pile of your excessive expectations relating to their seems, monetary standing, or different traits. They are often a tremendous individual regardless of not becoming into your definition of ‘the one’.

As an example, a Reddit consumer shares what she feels about on-line courting: “On-line courting permits folks to at all times search one thing higher. It’s a mentality I feel quite a lot of single individuals are adopting. Why settle when the grass is greener and I can get to it so simply?” So, mainly, as a result of the provision is infinite, we’re at all times in search of somebody higher, somebody good!

4. Worry of intimacy

In case you usually ask your self, “Why can’t I discover love?”, remember that the concern of intimacy might grow to be a hindrance in your path of falling in love. That is usually intently associated to the concern of rejection. Dhriti says, “Being afraid of being weak and real since you really feel somebody may make the most of you or ridicule you possibly can trigger you to shrink into your personal shell and keep away from reaching out to potential companions.”

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This will likely embody the concern of:

• Bodily intimacy: It’s possible you’ll be scared to provoke gestures of affection equivalent to touching and kissing, for the concern of being tagged ‘determined’, resulting in the connection truly fizzling out
• Emotional intimacy: It’s possible you’ll draw back from sharing a deep emotional bond or intimate particulars, as it’s possible you’ll concern being mocked or taken benefit of later
• Mental intimacy: It’s possible you’ll cease your self from having wholesome discussions on subjects of your curiosity, for concern of being judged or branded ‘too clingy’

5. Pessimistic perspective

Dhriti believes, “Harboring a pessimistic perspective is like throwing a wrench within the wheel of your personal automotive!” And it’s true. Your pessimism can:

• Repel others: Individuals might keep away from you in your cynicism and negativity
• Harm your self-respect: Extreme destructive self-talk can result in low shallowness
• Destroy your prospects: It’s possible you’ll find yourself speaking your self out of conditions that might’ve led to you discovering your love

6. Unhealthy relationship patterns

So, why is it onerous to seek out love? A Reddit consumer says how she self-sabotages her love life each time she goes about in search of love, “It feels a bit like drowning with emotions of excessive strain, nervousness, tightness in my chest. I are inclined to assume my companions mislead me, cheat, faux love. Feels fairly terrible and it’s positively not truthful.” Properly, these are indicators of unhealthy relationship patterns.

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And sometimes, such unhealthy relationship patterns could also be accountable for you not with the ability to discover love. Dhriti lists a number of such patterns:

• Being a management freak, equivalent to stalking them or maintaining tabs on their actions
• A bent to control folks
• Being dishonest along with your associate
• Suspecting them of dishonest on you

7. Unresolved trauma

In case you’re questioning, “Why can’t I discover love?”, do not forget that previous relationship trauma or childhood trauma can, in some ways, hamper your prospects of discovering love once more. Dhriti believes, “Our previous ache forces us to repeat dysfunctional patterns of conduct as a result of sooner or later, this conduct stored us protected.” Nevertheless, even after we seemingly get better from such traumatic conditions, these behaviors persist and should manifest as:

• Anger points
• Belief points
• Communication issues
• Poor shallowness

8. Lack of self-awareness

Are you continue to asking your self, “Why is it onerous to seek out love?” One doable cause for you not discovering love might be your lack of self-awareness. Dhriti says, “Certainly one of my favourite quotes goes like, “You possibly can solely meet others so far as you’ve met your self.” Which means that it is advisable to know and perceive who you’re, as a way to perceive another person.”

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Lack of self-awareness can really feel like:

• Lack of ability to determine what you need from a associate — short-term relationship or long-term dedication
• Indecisiveness about your personal life objectives
• Being finicky about your personal pursuits

9. Unwillingness to compromise

Dhriti believes, “In a loving relationship, two people come collectively to kind a 3rd entity — the dedicated relationship itself that each are accountable for making certain the well being of. This may solely be achieved by means of compromises on each ends.” So, should you usually marvel, “Why can’t I discover a boyfriend or girlfriend?”, keep in mind, discovering love will not be about “my manner or the freeway”, however about realizing that there are extra necessary issues to be taken care of.

10. Inflated concepts about love

Be it the fixed provide of good couple selfies on Instagram or the portrayal of mushy love in romcoms, this technology has maybe created a false notion of affection. Love isn’t all roses and candle-lit dinners. And unrealistic expectations can hamper your probabilities of discovering love.

Dhriti agrees, “Love will not be discovered, it’s created. You’re employed on it. And in search of perfection will solely hinder your probabilities of discovering the precise individual. There isn’t any such factor as an ideal individual for somebody. There shall be folks you align with greater than others, and no matter comes subsequent will rely upon the way you work together with them.”

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11. Restricted social circle

One huge mistake that individuals who’re left questioning, “Why can’t I discover love?”, make will not be wanting past their consolation zone. So, should you’re not assembly folks past your area – be it your social class, occupation, or pursuits, you’ll restrict your self to the identical set of mates and acquaintances. This can restrict your interactions and prospects of assembly folks and, therefore, of in search of love and discovering somebody particular too.

Dhriti says, “Be sure to’re not mistaking the pond for the large, large ocean after which questioning, “Why can’t I discover a boyfriend or girlfriend?” It’s possible you’ll your self be limiting your possibilities.”

12. Poor communication abilities

One other important think about in search of love and discovering somebody is your communication abilities. Dhriti explains, “Not with the ability to convey your self clearly or perceive others will clearly hinder your capability to fall in love.” It’s not simply necessary to know the reply to, “How do you wish to be beloved?”, but in addition equally necessary to let others know that.”

Communication abilities don’t simply embody the way in which you discuss, but in addition non-verbal cues, equivalent to physique language, together with gestures, postures, and eye contact. As an example, smiling rather a lot, hand actions whereas speaking, and leaning towards your object of curiosity are all methods through which you may make an individual really feel you’re excited by them.

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13. Issue trusting others

Belief points, stemming from previous experiences, are fully regular however can contribute to main hurdles to find love. Dhriti says, “With out taking that leap of religion, you possibly can’t attain the love you search.” Certainly one of my mates, Cathy, was so deeply affected by her ex, who had damaged up along with her over a textual content after courting her for 3 years that she stopped trusting folks. Cathy as soon as confided in me, saying although she was eager on discovering love once more, she hated the concept of putting her belief within the improper folks.

14. Exterior elements

In case you’re usually complaining, “I’m feeling like I’ll by no means discover love”, properly, keep in mind, quite a lot of exterior elements could be possible hurdles in your approach to discovering love. Dhriti lists a number of:

• Financial elements: You’ll have simply gotten laid or are financially unstable. So, which will stop you from reaching out to potential companions
• Geographical constraints: It’s possible you’ll be posted in a distant location, the place there aren’t sufficient locations to socialize. You may additionally be excited by somebody from a special metropolis or city, and lack of face-to-face interplay might mar your probabilities of putting up a rapport with them
• Household values: Lots of people are sure by inflexible household values, the place falling in love could also be thought of taboo except your beau belongs to the identical faith or shares the identical values. This prevents you from discovering true like to a terrific extent

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15. Priorities in life

Dhriti feels, “Many a time, it’s our priorities in life that stop us from getting the love of our lives.” In truth, it’s possible you’ll find yourself being too engrossed in your personal world and too emotionally unavailable to seek out love. Listed here are a number of such situations:

• It’s possible you’ll prioritize your profession and work lengthy hours, leaving you with no time to focus in your love life
• Your pals take up most of your time, leaving you with little or no time to seek out love
• You spend most of your leisure focusing in your pursuits and hobbies, as a substitute of swiping for love on courting apps

How To Flip Issues Round If You Can’t Discover Love

We hope we have now given you adequate causes within the part above that will help you discover solutions to your burning query, “Why can’t I discover love?” However, hey, now that you realize why you most likely can’t discover love, should you nonetheless inform your self, “I wish to really feel what love is”, we’ll offer you a number of suggestions that will help you in your pursuit.

Properly, we don’t consider it’s an exhaustive checklist, as ‘discovering love’ isn’t a set activity that has set guidelines. Nonetheless, the next tried-and-tested tips about find out how to discover love may go normally. So, should you’re careworn as a result of you possibly can’t discover a girlfriend, or boyfriend, or are sometimes questioning, “Will I ever discover love?”, learn on:

1. Give attention to self-improvement

As a substitute of questioning, “Why can’t I discover a boyfriend, or girlfriend?”, work on your self and give attention to self-love and self-development. Dhriti advises, “Bear in mind to strategy this with kindness and compassion. You possibly can’t hate your self into being higher, and also you don’t should be hated both. So, deal with your self like a work-in-progress. Self-love is the key to fulfilling your “I wish to really feel what love is” need.”

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Listed here are some tips about how one can develop:

• Take up a passion that you just’ve at all times needed to pursue, be it portray or dance
• Establish your flaws and repair them, whether or not it’s your communication abilities or your habits
• Groom your self and put money into self-care

2. Develop your social circle

Do you usually ask your self, “Will I ever meet somebody?” Properly, to fulfill somebody particular, ensure you’re in the precise circle. Your social circle could make or break your probabilities of discovering love. Dhriti feels, “One of the simplest ways to seek out love is to increase your social or good friend circle. You must step out of your consolation zone and work together with new folks. A stagnant life by no means will get you anyplace.” Listed here are some tips about find out how to do it:

• Attend new social occasions, equivalent to drama or music fests
• Ask your mates to introduce you to new circles or mates
• Be a part of golf equipment, workshops, or passion lessons

3. Be open to new experiences

As a substitute of asking your mates, “Will I ever discover love?”, give attention to new experiences. Dhriti lays stress on “being open-minded to simply accept new experiences.” You see, simply attending new social occasions isn’t sufficient. You must clear all psychological blocks and inhibitions. You additionally must cease being judgmental, begin accepting totally different factors of view, and spend time understanding folks of various factors of view.

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Whereas it’s understood that you just’ll be in search of somebody your pursuits match with, you additionally want to comprehend that no two individuals are precisely alike and that it’s the variations that make folks extra enticing and fascinating.” Dhriti provides, “Not solely will this enhance your probabilities of assembly fascinating folks however can even increase your self-worth, a big a part of which we derive from assembly challenges and overcoming them.”

4. Apply being genuine and real

Discovering a solution to, “Will I ever discover love?”, might contain some introspection. Ask your self should you’re being real sufficient and never residing a life that appears good on social media. In any case, your made-up persona might be one of many the reason why you possibly can’t discover love.

You may additionally be dashing into issues for all of the improper causes. We agree it is advisable to put your finest foot ahead if you’re getting right into a new relationship, however ensure you’re not catfishing your potential romantic associate within the hope of discovering a very good match. A minimum of, allow them to know who you actually are, your quirks, your negatives, and so forth.

Dhriti feels, “It’s essential to be your genuine self and showcase your true likes and dislikes whereas attempting to get folks to like you.” You needn’t put up a faux persona to make somebody like or love you. So, cease telling your self that you just can’t be beloved for who you’re.”

5. Go for clear communication

One sure-shot manner of discovering love is to ask your self, “How do you wish to be beloved?”, after which talk the solutions to the precise folks. Sure, you deserve love, my good friend, however how will your potential companions know what you’re in search of, should you don’t inform them?

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Dhriti advises, “As a substitute of going round telling your mates, “I wish to really feel what love is”, give attention to speaking clearly and actually to the individual you fancy. This may be intimidating. So, it’s a good suggestion to start out round individuals who you’re comfy with.” To enhance communication, you possibly can:

• Let folks know you want them, by means of delicate hints
• Set clear boundaries. Allow them to know what you tolerate and what you don’t. Talk what offends you
• You can even talk your expectations, when you set the ball rolling

6. Search help

In case you usually end up dejected as a result of you possibly can’t discover love or end up questioning, “Will I ever meet somebody?”, fret not! You’re not the one one. As a substitute of lamenting, “I wish to really feel what love is”, discuss to family and friends, be a part of help teams, or seek the advice of a relationship coach or a psychological well being skilled. In case you’re contemplating in search of assist, Bonobology’s counseling providers are right here for you.

We hope you aren’t nonetheless clueless or asking your self, “Will I ever discover love?” You see, the idea of affection varies from individual to individual. First, it is advisable to discover a solution to: how do you wish to be beloved? It’s additionally true that love isn’t straightforward to seek out, and there’s no straightforward reply to why you possibly can’t discover a girlfriend, or boyfriend, particularly if we’re in search of real love or a wholesome relationship, and never mere flings or hook-ups.

But it surely’s additionally true that merely in search of love, with out fixing one’s personal shortcomings isn’t going to get you anyplace. Likewise, love isn’t a set of options or qualities. It’s an awesome feeling you get with the precise individual, even when that individual is a bit flawed.

So, as a substitute of specializing in discovering somebody who checks all of the qualities in your checklist of ‘Mr,/Ms. Proper’, discover somebody who brings you peace. And naturally, undergo our checklist of suggestions should you face any hitches. In any case, you’re somebody who deserves true happiness. All the most effective!

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